Thank you for using Prayer™ to contact God® (also known as “Yahweh,” “Jehovah,” “Elohim” “Allah,” and heretofore also known as “Service Provider”).
God® offers a rich collection of Miracles™ (heretofore known as “Services”) without limitation. Your divine Service Provider offers many Blessings™ and other Services subject to the following Terms of Service (“TOS”) which may be periodically updated without prior notice. You can review the most current TOS at any time by engaging in Prayer™
If you are receiving this message, it means that you are currently facing a life altering situation that has led you to have the Prophetic Vision™ of our Terms of Service page. We appreciate you may be struggling with existential conflict as a result of receiving this unexpected but highly convenient scrollable TOS manifested on the back of your eyelids.
We also appreciate that if you have signaled for our Services you are no doubt experiencing the unnerving sensation of [insert trauma here], but fear not, for I bring you tidings of great joy! You have been preapproved for the upgraded support Services provided by your heavenly Service Provider. These Services are vast, infinite, and highly convenient for all your lifestyle needs. It is, however, highly recommended that you fully review the TOS before accepting Services.
- Description of Services
Although your physical body, soul, mind, or dignity™ may be currently in grave mortal peril, God® will provide all the necessary tools, interventions, bush burnings, personalized content, and rapture-ings to provide you with the most satisfactory levels of salvation. These Services may be accessed through Prayer™, priests, rabbis, imams, mediums, seers, and Properly Franchised Televangelists.
Today, you are accessing our Services through Prayer™. This platform includes advertisements necessary for God® to influence your frail mortal existence. These manifest as a sudden Revelation of the divine superiority of one our sponsoring churches, mosques, temples, synagogues, or blood-oath summoning colonies.
You further understand and agree that your Service Provider may include certain coded messages, annunciations, and divine ordinances in the “Are You There God®, It’s Me” newsletter that will now be indelibly seared into the private recesses of your mind during awkward pauses in conversation. These communications are considered part of Being in God’s® Favor and you will not be able to opt out of receiving them for the rest of your conscious existence.
Unless explicitly stated otherwise, you, your partner, immediate family, friends, and pets are now blessed with perpetual loyalty and servitude to your one true Service Provider and will automatically receive Blessings™ to augment or enhance your daily existences, subject to the TOS. However, please be aware that certain Miracles™ may contain mature content and that you (and those you have ever known or loved in even the most nominal capacity) must be at least 18 years or age or older to receive Tantric Blessings™.
God® takes your unattainable desire for privacy very seriously. By receiving Services from the most omniscient of Service Providers, you understand and agree that privacy is an ill-conceived social construct developed by Satan to undermine the inalienable right of the Higher Order to systematically categorize, analyze, and hold to scrutiny all subtle behavioral patterns so that the population can be adequately protected from its own mortal folly. It is from these patterns that God® shall infer what wrenched and sinful behavior can be henceforth sanctified through the cleansing power of humiliation, repentance, and free market capitalism.
In the event that you have engaged in Prayer™ accidentally, you may at this time terminate your relationship with God® by falling to your knees and submitting such a termination request to your divine overseer immediately using the words, “er…well, I guess there was a bit of an error there and I think I’ll have to pass on all this Prayer™ busi— [bloodcurdling scream]. Oh, God®—please! [wheezing cough] Please don’t forsake me. I was wrong. It was totally my bad! [wail of agony]”
You further recognize that your Holy Service Provider may, without prior notice, immediately terminate, limit or suspend your frail and irritating existence so that they may no longer be troubled by the incessant chatter of your erratic thoughts, constant blathering, and your (frankly) embarrassing presence which is making God® look totes uncool in front of the other inter-dimensional pantheons.
You agree that God®, being the Supreme and Holy Steward of the Universe is a master of wit, perfectly infallible, and beyond all fault. You therefore agree to indemnify and hold harmless all subsidiaries, affiliates, officers, agents, angles, employees, and partners harmless from any claim or demand, including reasonable attorneys’ fees, made by any third party due to or arising out of any errors that would of course be utterly impossible for a Perfect Being to make.
- Questions & Suggestions
If you have questions, suggestions, or feel that your troubles have not be satisfactorily addressed, by the great and almighty God® and the super-effective power of Prayer™ please do not hesitate to let us know. We’re sure that somewhere in existence there may be some concerned agency or atheistic consumer protection bureau that would be thrilled to provide you with additional assistance.
Good luck with that.
I have read and agree to the Terms of Service and I am willing to submit myself to all current and future conditions associated with the Blessings™ I am about to receive in perpetuity, throughout the universe, forever and ever.
Allison Spector is a New Jersey expat who was banished due to an aversion to leopard print and spray tan. She enjoys playing with words, dancing under the stars, exploring beautiful mountains and majestic sequoias and reveling in string-band jamborees. She can be found frolicking in the woodlands of Portland. Her work has been published with 1888, Longridge Review, Women on Writing (under LeeAnne Joseph), and The Molotov Cocktail Magazine. Her novella, Let’s Stalk Rex Jupiter! was a winner in 1888’s 2015 Summer Writing Project. Her Twitter is @inspectorallie.