I’ve never had sex with a fish before and that’s okay.
There’s so much negativity in the world today. You do something, and people judge you. You do a different thing, and people still judge you. There’s no way to win–no matter how hard you try to please others, you will still be criticized. Well, I’m done. I have had enough of this put-down culture in which we all seem to have become immersed. So I’d like to dedicate this post to an admission, perhaps even a confession. I can no longer deal with the pressures of a broken society, so here: take my biggest secret and judge me all you want.
I have never had intercourse with a fish, and I’m perfectly comfortable with that.
In some ways, this is a really hard thing for me to admit, because I know that not everyone is cool with people like me. The fact that no aquatic vertebrate has ever made a charming introduction, taken me back to its residence, acquired enthusiastic consent, and then fucked my living brains out makes some people uneasy–I’m not naive enough to think otherwise. I know that I’m challenging some deeply ingrained norms when I tell you that it’s fine if you have never had the experience of performing oral sex on a sea bass while maybe accidentally stubbing your toe on the ocean floor because there are rocks sometimes. The truth is, I now am perfectly willing to live with other people’s lack of acceptance, with other people’s failure to understand differences–even if I used to be paralyzed by fear of ostracization.
Of course, the media doesn’t help the situation–we have a long way to go before people realize that there are many intelligent, caring people who do not regularly have their pubic hair eaten by piranhas, and the imagery that we consume online and on television is partly responsible for our failure to enlighten ourselves. When we have kids watching shows like “Schools of Love” or “Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Semen” and visiting websites like “Put the Ass in Sea Bass,” it should come as no surprise to us that seventy-two percent of youths in their late teens state that they “have trouble relating to those who do not enjoy drinking a lot of water and then having fish swim around inside them, ejaculating profusely” (Gallup)1. The problem is not that kids are generally incapable of thinking for themselves or making intelligent decisions, but rather that it is simply not possible to be constantly barraged with every form of our current media without at least partially internalizing the notion that a respectable person is one who orgasms at three minute intervals while looking at a Legal Sea Foods menu.
Perhaps most troubling for me in my journey to self-acceptance has been the well-meaning but ultimately problematic reactions of my friends and family. It’s one thing when a talking head or a radio host insinuates that an inability to become aroused while carrying a large Nemo balloon indicates an immature personality, but it hurts so much more when these assumptions come from people that I love. I know that my mother means no harm when she says “But honey, you know that your father and I can’t afford a wedding on land” and that my friend has good intentions when she cries “But the scales, the scales! The motherfucking scales!”, but I really need an environment in which my loved ones accept my decision unconditionally, without making any subtle critique of the fact that I have never chewed fish cake and then regurgitated it into the mouth of a salmon while holding bondage gear.
So now everyone knows my big secret–I’m no longer hiding something from people, and that feels pretty great. But I want to make sure I haven’t sent the wrong message: I in no way mean to shame those who do glean pleasure from slapping an adult mahi-mahi across their nipples or who enjoy strangling themselves with an eel while visiting Sea World. If dressing up as a plankton before allowing a hammerhead shark to impale your genitals is your thing, then go for it. Just don’t bitch at me for my choice.
- Miller, Loretta. “Is Your Distaste For Erotic Urethral Lamprey Insertion Ruining Your Relationships?” Gallup, 2014.
Anabel Tassoni is a student at Brown University. She believes the world is full of idiots but admits that she is one of them and seems to surround herself with others who believe the world is full of idiots but admit that she is one of them.