Kayla Pongrac — A Sportscaster’s Play-by- Play Commentary of an In-Home Thumb Wrestling War

Hello, and welcome to a special live broadcast of what is bound to be one heck of a thumb wrestling war in what is one heck of a comfortable living room in the small and rarely bustling town of Haffinville! We’ve got Chippity Slimbuckle sitting on the couch to my left and Maxwell Zazzleporf sitting on a fancy stool to my right. Oh, and I’m Gorgiio Yinsledash, your ever-reliable host and referee.

 

We’re really happy that everyone has tuned in because in just a few minutes, Slimbuckle and Zazzleporf are going to go thumb-to-thumb in the war that everyone has been looking forward to for . . . about a week and a half.

 

While we have a minute, we’d like to note that we don’t have any official sponsors, but what I can tell you is that the temperature in this house is 66 degrees Fahrenheit and we have lots of potato chips for consumption purposes.

 

What’s that? Oh, it seems that I just received news that our competitors have spent a lot of time twirling their thumbs today in order to prepare for this epic battle. In just a few minutes, I’ll bring you live coverage of the war, but, in the meantime, we invite you to participate in our online poll.

 

Today’s question is:

 

Who do you think will win? You have approximately three minutes to text CHIP to 359278 for Chippity Slimbuckle or ZAZZ to 359834 for Maxwell Zazzleporf. If you don’t know, go ahead and text 000000 to indicate that you’ve just shrugged your shoulders.

 

Reporting live from a comfortable recliner made of leather, I’m Gorgiio Yinsledash. We’ll be right back.

 

*COMMERCIAL*

 

Welcome back to our live broadcast of what is bound to be the most talked about thumb wrestling war of the year! I’m Gorgiio Yinsledash, and guess what? The time has come for me to introduce our two competitors!

 

Chippity Slimbuckle is a 24-year-old high school diploma-carrying native of Haffinville. He’s been thumb wrestling his little brother for many years and for those of you wondering about his favorite pre-game snack, the answer is cheese curls.

 

Slimbuckle’s competitor, Maxwell Zazzleporf, is about 120 credits shy of a degree in physical education. By day, Zazzleporf works at a hardware store. By night, he’s training for his thumb wrestling wars with the help of his favorite video game controller. In his spare time, he enjoys joking about trying to take his parents’ cat for a walk.

 

Right after this brief commercial, we’ll be bringing you live coverage of the best thing that has happened to you since you got to pick out your own school lunchbox.

 

*COMMERCIAL*

 

Gorgiio Yinsledash here! Thanks for tuning in! Before the countdown begins, I’d like to share with you the results of our online poll. Fifty-five percent of our listeners expect Slimbuckle to take the win, and forty percent are rooting for Zazzleporf. The other five percent voted “I Don’t Know.” Thanks for participating, everybody!

 

Now . . . the moment you all have been waiting for—the boys just locked their fingers into place! Let the countdown begin!

 

(Zazzleporf): Good luck, man.

(Slimbuckle): Yeah, good luck, dude.

(Z & S, in unison): One, two, three, four . . . we declare a thumb war . . . five, six, seven, eight . . . you are hungry; I just ate . . . nine, ten, eleven, twelve . . .

 

Okay, kids, here we go!

 

Zazzleporf’s thumb just made an impressive duck . . . oh man, Slimbuckle’s on his game today . . . another swift duck from Zazzleporf . . . Slimbuckle tries to go in for a thumbtackle and misses . . . Slimbuckle tries again . . . Zazzleporf! Zazzleporf! Are you crazy?! Whew! This kid almost had the win . . . had Slimbuckle not twirled his thumb so majestically, this match would’ve ended super early! Woah, there’s Zazzleporf again! Forget what I said about Slimbuckle being on his game today! . . . Oh man . . . both of them now have their thumbs raised in the air . . . you know what this means . . . someone has to make the next move . . . and it’s Slimbuckle! But Zazzleporf, Zazzleporf . . . he’s not subscribing to that mailing list! Whatever twirly move that was, I’ve gotta hand it to him . . . oh no! Zazzleporf’s thumb is down for the count. It’s all over, my friends! It’s all over. Slimbuckle has officially won this war!  

 

(Zazzleporf): He cheated!

(Yinsledash): Is there anything else you want to say, Zazzleporf?

(Zazzleporf): Yeah. You all can suck it.

 

We can only assume he’s referring to his thumb, everyone. Thanks again for tuning in and remember to tune in next week for a colossally memorable Rock, Paper, Scissors challenge! And then! Then! The following week we are going to come at you live with a stellar round of Duck, Duck, Goose! But for now, friends, this is Gorgiio Yinsledash signing off just like I eventually always do.

 

*BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING*


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Kayla Pongrac is an avid writer, reader, tea drinker, and record spinner. Her first chapbook, a collection of flash fiction stories titled The Flexible Truth, is available for purchase from Anchor and Plume. Another chapbook, Kettle Whistles the Blues, is forthcoming by Robocup Press. To read more of Kayla’s work, visit www.kaylapongrac.com or follow her on Twitter @KP_the_Promisee.